#I’m terrified to end up having no work after doing the said art diploma | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wutheringcaterpillar · 10 months ago

Text

Time Was Never On Our Side

Summary: Decades after the heartbreaking split between you and Cillian, you see one another out and about. After realizing he’s married now, guilt follows you up to his hotel room where words are said, and a kiss is shared. Warnings: Morally grounded reader, an unfaithful kiss, sad ending but the right ending

sidenote: This fic is in favor of his wife toward the end, there will be no smut just heartbreak following from a kiss. heavily inspired by Cut The Shit-Delusion, Sweetheart by @cillianmesoftlyyy

The everlonging gaze of a man with crystal blue eyes, and an ash gray hair color that you knew all too well, stopped you in your tracks, the two of you stared at one another in disbelief. It felt as if you were looking at a ghost

It had been so long, since you’d both graduated high school that was the last time you saw one another.

Cillian was your first love, and it always seemed to be right person, wrong time, but maybe that had changed. “Y/N? What er you doing here?” Nostalgia flooded back, like a river overfilling a valley, leaving you nearly sppechless. He still looked great, very handsome in his suit and tie, with his shimmering, almost transparent blue eyes.

“Cillian? I- I just finished with work, was going to grab a bite to eat then head home.” He shook his head, insisting that you allow him to court you to dinner to which you obliged. The ring around his finger not going unnoticed, but you attempted to convince yourself this was just a catching up between to friends, nothing more.

He watched you intently as you skimmed the dinner menu, glancing at the untouched glass of pinot grigio. You always did have class, and could hold your own.

After small talk and eating as much as knew he shouldn’t, he had a proposal.

“Come to my room. Just fer a chat, it’s a bit more private.” Glancing down at his ring, a ping of guilt washed over you, knowing that his wife was more than likely unaware to know whom he was having dinner with as of this moment, but a part of you wanted to hear what he had to say.

His eyes searched your facial expression for an answer, and he could tell you were nervous about this meeting by the way you twiddled your thumbs.

Reaching his hand over, he placed it gently on top of yours, his fingers caressing your delicate skin.

“I promise, just a drink nothing more.” Nodding, you disregarded the presence of morals in your mind. After paying the tab, and walking you to his room, he removed your jacket, placing on the chair near the kitchen table.

His laptop had been left open and a photo of him, his wife and child, enjoying what looked like to be a summer vacation on the beach was displayed on the screen, making you unbearably uncomfortable.

Noticing, he closed the laptop, insisting you take a seat on the sofa, asking if you needed anything to drink and what not.

After politely declining, he sat near you at an arm’s length away, his vibrant yet subtle cologne that smelt of ivory and pine filling your senses. Cillian had always smelt wonderful and was a very clean-sly man, you couldn’t deny in the three years you were together, it was a relief having a man that could hold his own and you didn’t have to clean up after him.

“So, how’ve you been? What’s been going on yer life? I’d love to know.”

“I graduated, received my diploma in the arts, and now I’m a full time journalist for the times, the stories you run across are unbelievable sometimes.” His lips spread into a wide smile before his hand settled on your knee, rubbing the fabric of your thin leggings gracefully, his touch sending chills up your spine.

“That’s wonderful Y/N. I always knew you had it in you! Any man in yer life? Kids?” He cleared his throat, his voice slightly cracking, his heart beating wildly in his chest as he was terrified for your answer.

“Cillian, I don’t think we should discuss this. After all that was one of the reasons we never made it. You wanted kids. I didn’t. You wanted to act and travel, I wanted to settle with the environment and area I’m familiar with. We were always with one another for the right reasons, but we never saw eye to eye with our future together.” As much as it broke you inside to say those words, they needed to be released, thrown into the air to really sink in. You weren’t trying to hurt him, and you didn’t feel like he was trying to hurt you, it just always seemed to be right person, wrong time.

Biting his lip, his eyes sulking toward the ground, the memories of your very first date entered his mind. The way you dressed in a red plaid shirt with blue jeans, how you had your hair straightened and beat him in an arcade game, ending the night with him driving you home, insisting on waiting to kiss you at least until the second date as he didn’t want to rush or pressure you.

The first kiss when you were laying on a plush blanket, your eyes beaming up into the sky watching the fireworks explode into their bursts of vibrant colors before your eyes locked, and he leaned in.

The moment you had moved into your first apartment together, almost in amazement at how organized and smoothly you unpacked boxes with your hair tied in a messy bun. Even when you were sweating, your aura radiated an unexplainable, beautiful energy like no other woman could.

He was completely and devastatingly still in love with you and all your little ticks.

After a moment of silence, you were staring down at your palms, fiddling with the fabric of your sweater. Cillian skimmed his hand through the strands of your hair, placing it behind your ear gently, causing your cheeks to become a rosy shade of red. Everything in you wished that the past was different, that your relationship had made it but timing never seemed to be on either of your sides.

Your lips parted, taking a much needed breath when you felt his body scoot closer. His longing blue eyes fixated on your enticing lips, scanning your eyes, finding that maybe he wasnt the only one with this immense urge.

His thumb brushed under your chin, turning your head slightly toward him. Leaning in his lips collided with yours in a nostalgic, tender kiss, adrenaline and dopamine coursing through his veins as moments of your past continued to flash through his mind like a romantic motion-picture.

All he could remember was the way he made you laugh, the way your smile outshined the sun, how your eyes lit up whenever you were near him.

Shame flooded over you, selfish was the first word that came to your mind. Your eyebrows rising in shock when your lips connected in a gentle, loving kiss, yet he still felt so far away. The heat in your chest was undeniably present, butterflies forming in your stomach but that didn’t stop the strain of your emotions running wildly. You knew if you didn’t break away from his touch, this would lead further, the night ending in his bed and you waking up in the morning with the reminder he was a married man, and you’d been his mistress.

Pulling away, your hands settled in his arms, lips pursing together in sadness, and regret. You couldn’t stop the tears that were at the brim of your eyelids from flowing freely down your cheeks.

“What? Is everything alright?” His voice was low but he spoke with sincerity and concern.

Glancing down at his ring, his eyes followed yours.

“Cillian. You’re married now, with a son. I cant do this to your wife, I won’t let you do this to her. I need to go.” Standing up and patting down your dress, Cillian stood up just as fast, worried he had gone too far, too quick.

“Please, I’m sorry. I- I don’t know what came over me. I’m a fecking idiot but I still love you.” Your throat began to tighten, in irritation and anxiety.

“Don’t! Don’t do that. This hurts me as much as it does you but I will not participate in you throwing away your marriage. Do you love her?” Gulping, Cillian released your wrist, his hands brushing through his hair as he too felt his eyes begin to water, an immense feeling of regret, and heartbreak, shattering his chest.

“I- I do but I’m not over you Y/N. I don’t think I ever will be, even after all these years.” Sighing and brushing away the tears, your hands settled on his dampened cheeks, forcing your aching eyes to lock together.

“And that is okay. I still love you too, but I respect your wife. We were never going to work Cillian. That is alright to still have lingering feelings, they may never go away, but I need to go away. Not just for myself, but for you.” His hands gripped on your wrists, his throat tightening while his heart dropped into the bottomless pit of his stomach.

“I know. Love, I know. I’d love if we had made it and I need to let you go, no matter how much it pains me. Just know, you deserve better, and there is a man out there waiting for your love. I just hope he is deserving of it, and won’t take your love fer granted the way I did tonight.” You nodded painfully, thanking him before picking up your purse, heading for the door, only this time he didn’t stop you.

Turning the knob, you glanced back at Cillian once more. “Please have the decency to tell your wife and inform her I mean her no harm. I only wish the best and I will not be in contact with you. If she’d like to call me I left my number on the table. Goodbye Cillian.” Closing the door, it felt like the love-story had painstakingly come to an end, the way it needed to be.

Cillian stayed awake, your words sinking in before he face-timed his wife, being completely truthful and transparent with her, doing as you asked, giving her your number if she felt the need to call with any questions or wanted to speak any words with you.

#Cillian murphy #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy x you #cillian murphy imagine #ranaewrites

74 notes · View notes

moonstone-blues · 4 years ago

Text

I don't know what to do...

I'm going to be really honest here. Because honestly I can't talk to anyone about this.

Trigger warning for mention of depression and self harming.

All my life I have felt inadequate. Nothing I do is good enough for me or anyone else. But I work as hard as I possibly can, struggling with mental health for most of my life.

For the past two years I have been in a college that has broke me. Nearing the end of high-school, my depression was getting better. I still had days where I wanted to disappear and had countless panic attacks but I hadn't hurt myself in months. I was truly getting better.

When it came to college, I was dead set on acting. More specifically musical theatre. When I was on stage, it was the one time where I felt like I. Was doing something I could be proud of. It was the only time people really complimented me. I felt home. I was so passionate and so ready I was looking into so many colleges so I could act.

Then I was dragged into going to an event at high school. A college fair. I hated it. I didn't want to go but I was forced to. I knew what I wanted. But then the very last stall got to me. It was for a games art course. I love video games. You can see by all the fallout content I have on here. I also liked drawing but never as much as acting. They promised a stable job by the end of the course and lots of opportunities. I believed them. After years of being told that acting would never get me anywhere and that I had to find something more stable I finally believed it. I got into that college.

And I have never been worse.

They broke every single promise, they didn't teach anyone anything, they favoured the more talented students instead of helping the less talented. They hated when people complained about the genuine issues. They overworked people with extremely short deadlines (as in a few days not weeks). They put people down for the sake of putting them down, not for criticism. They changed assignments half way through them. They always added work on even if you were already snapping from the pressure.

I can't even count the amount of times where I broke down sobbing in class or had to run to the toilet because I thought I was going to be sick from stress or to have a panic attack. Or to hurt myself. I had to work my ass off to keep up with the workload.

And it didn't even matter.

My grading system is 'Pass < merit < distinction.' Despite receiving multiple merits throughout the year for my work, my end result was three passes. Because that was the grade I got last year.

That's right, they didn't even grade my entire second year of work and just left it. I don't know why. Apparently, the grading system was based on where you live and your socio economic situation. My government announced that due to Covid-19 grades would then be changed to your predicted grades, which for me would've been MMP (Merit, merit, pass.) However, you need permission from your college to change those grades. And my teacher personally told me no. He refused. He always had it in for my friend group because wee didn't kiss ass and actually spoke about the issues. He hated us. I don't know if that was the reason but he essentially said my work was shit anyway so they weren't going to change it.

So, because of that, I couldn't get into university. To study what I truly loved and wanted to all this time.

And now I have a useless diploma, no connections in the industry, no experience, little improvement (only due to myself) so I'm stuck without a job, not being able to do what I want for at least another year and wasted two years of my life.

And that terrifies me.

I have extreme anxiety when it comes to time. If I waste any, I have a panic attack. Even writing this and thinking about it is pure pain. I've wasted two years of my life and that is a long time that I could've spent doing what I love.

Now I'm alone in the business world and I have no idea what to do. I'm not good at anything other than acting or maybe art. I'm scared.

Maybe I'll open commissions. Try and get some money while I try to figure out what to do with my life.

Sorry for the rant. I'll probably delete this when I've calmed down but I just needed to get it off my chest.

Sorry.

#Personal #Sorry #tw depressing thoughts #tw depression #tw depressive #tw self loathing #Tw self harm

0 notes

j0rdynels0n · 7 years ago

Text

ramble post about my college graduation because that was a thing that happened today

woke up at 6:30am after about five hours of sleep thanks to one last bar hop with my friends

got ready with my roommate, packed up the last of my shit

walked over to the fieldhouse with tori, my roommate and one of my theatre friends

i kept seeing so many people i know, and people i haven’t seen in years, and it was the fucking wildest thing because it was all finally ending

spent 45 minutes standing in the gym trying to get the line order correct which was sort of a nightmare

this is the point where the “theatre grads 18″ group chat was started

which we used during the ENTIRE ceremony to talk shit and meme it up during the boring parts, it was honestly iconic

walked into the fieldhouse, saw parents, suffered through at least 5 loops of pomp and circumstance

so there was all the typical graduation shit - speeches and all that jazz - and then we got our fuckin diplomas!!!

so they called my name, i walked across the stage, shook the dean’s hand, shook the chancellor’s hand...

...and then, as per jim’s instructions, i waved at the UWWTV camera and blew a kiss

(i learned later that he gave a standing ovation in master control even though he was the only one in the room)

more shit talking went down in the group chat while all the business majors got their degrees

and then the thing was over and we went on our wild adventure for pictures

first we took pictures with my lovely roommate and her family

then we went to the center of the arts and took pictures with the theatre majors, including the obligatory barefoot wading in the merchild fountain

BUT BEFORE THE CA PICTURES

i went to the tv station to say goodbye to jim, my capstone professor, for the last time

so we go in and he’s in the edit suites between ceremonies

he says something along the lines of “congratulations, you did it” and motions to both tori and i to bring it in for a hug

it’s like an awkward three way hug but it’s ok i don’t mind

but then

i hear a smooching sound on my right side

and i’m like

is that what i thought it was?

and then

he turns his head

and gives me a kiss right above my right temple

.......and that’s the point where my brain kind of turns to mush and my memory escapes me

but we talked briefly, and he wished us well, and told us that he would miss seeing us around

and we said we’d keep in touch

and he said something like “now go out there and be perfect. or try to.”

(he has this thing he says all the time where it’s like “don’t aim to be perfect, aim to do your best work” or something along those lines idk)

and then as we walked out of the building he goes “the martinos, walking out for the last time” and got me emo

so then we packed up the rest of our shit and drove everything back to my hometown

and now the emotions are hitting

because

a) i just love my friends so much and i’m so proud of them

b) i’m terrified of the future and i don’t know what’s coming next

c) my capstone professor kissed me on the fucking forehead and i really don’t know what i did to make that man like me so much... but god am i glad he was part of my college experience

idk maybe i’ll update this later to be more coherent

but as of right now... my academic career is over and i officially have a BA in communications with an emphasis in electronic media

i’m so happy and sad and scared and i really don’t know what to do with myself

so... yeah

#cassie talks #cassie goes to college #long post #im sorry this is a lot #but im feeling a lot so

0 notes

jasminemaiacalland-blog · 7 years ago

Text

ESSAY

‘The Influence of Akram Khan in Contemporary Dance’

“As a contemporary dancer I am a bit more masculine and animalistic,” he says, “but when I do kathak I am shifting between femininity and masculinity because somehow the form itself gives you permission to be androgynous, to move between yin and yang.”1

Contemporary dance is an ever-changing, malleable form of dance designed to break preconceptions of what dance ‘should be’. Prior to the introduction of Akram Khan, there had never been before seen a fusion of traditional Bangladeshi Khatak within contemporary dance; Khan changed this. Moreover, he allowed an entirely new form of expressionism where he built an artistic link between cultural differences. The quote above epitomizes the new freedom he has created within the 21st century, to not only fuse culture, but also to fuse new qualities within oneself as a dancer that previously has been ignored.

“He’s bridging the gap between Asian and Western culture. Coming from a Caribbean heritage, Khan in my training made me realise that other cultures makes contemporary dance what it is; an accumulation of a person’s being.”2

Khan: A Background

Akram Khan was born in London in 1974 to a family of duel-heritage, Bangladeshi and British. Growing up, Khan was made aware of his cultural roots and at the age of three he would dance at Mela, an outdoor Indian festival. Khan admitted:

"I didn't want to, because nobody would sit and watch. People were talking and my mother said 'if you can win this audience, this is the test'. That's where I learnt the most."3

1 Sarah Crompton, Friday 8th January 2016, I’m Terrified My Body Will Give In, The Guardian 2 Harriet Macauley, Thursday 4th May 2017, Interview conducted with (contemporary dancer previously worked with Khan) 3 Christina Patterson, Friday 6th November 2009, Akram Khan: ‘You Have To Become a Warrior’

Khan admits upon later work, Zero Degrees that his dual-heritage gave him the perception of never entirely belonging; the inbuilt ‘winning over’ an audience from such a young age, it could be considered he was attempting to make UK citizens aware of apart of himself- his Bangladeshi culture. What is more, it could be suggested he was already trying to break boundaries. At the age of seven his mother enrolled him in traditional Bengali folk dancing classes from celebrated Khatak teacher- Sri Pratap Pawar. By the age of 18, he became Pawar’s disciple and displayed his debut solo recital (Manch Pravesh) in London.

“The guru-disciple relationship is special. Ravi Shankar explains; the student learns all the process of life which relates to the art form also”4

Khan received an Aditi Scholarship for Higher Training in Kathak and was awarded the Senior Diploma (First Division), Prayag Sangeet Samati, in 1994, by the Dance Board of India.

‘Kathak today retains its courtly qualities of well mannered formality while emphasizing incisive percussive attack, lyrical fluidity and a sense of calm control.’5

Performance was a quality that naturally resided in Khan, however. He was brought up with notable opportunities that exposed himself to the Arts from a very young age; perhaps why he feels so comfortable to expose raw qualities and anecdotes in his works today in front of large audiences. Moreover, allowing an audience to properly understand two juxtaposing cultures in his works and see how it has enveloped his style. For example, at the age of 10 he achieved his first professional role touring in The Adventures of Mowgli. Furthermore, as a teenager he spent two years in Peter Brook’s play, The Mahabharata. His role as a storyteller within his younger years can most certainly be transmitted into his works as a dancer where he fuses historical Kathak arm gestures to tell stories enigmatically but in a way that is applied to his 21st century adventures. Moreover, this epitomizes the genius mind behind Khan as he uses the best of old to create remarkable new.

In 1994, Khan enrolled at De Montfort University to study a BA (Hons) Performing Arts (Dance) degree to which he had his first experience of both contemporary and ballet techniques. His first contemporary class at De Montfort left him perplexed so

4 Willis, March 2001, Akram Khan, Dancing Times 5 Lorna Sanders, 1st August 2012, Akram Khan's Rush: Creative Insights

he watched a video of DV8’s Strange Fish; “I was shocked – but in a positive way. I thought it fascinating.” After a two-year period there, he transferred to Northern School of Contemporary dance, after being enthralled by the genre; he went onto graduate with the highest marks in performance ever recorded, exemplifying his natural take to the stage. Thus, he added classical ballet, Cunningham, Alexander, release based techniques, contact improvisation and physical theatre to his dance repertoire, thus allowing the sophisticated freedom to explore two styles. Arguably, if it was not for his constant yearning for knowledge and perfection in the two, originally thought to be juxtaposing styles, Khan’s success may have not been as heard. Ultimately, Khan became the best at what he trained in. What is more, by doing so he made history in dance and culture to which no one could question.

The Development of Khan

“I believe he to be so successful as he has the ability to perform both solo works and have the ability to produce works on ballet companies, such as Ballet China. Not many choreographers have the ability to perform their own work.’ 6

Immediately after completion of his degree, Khan began the experimentation between a collaboration of contemporary and traditional Kathak dance that had never been before seen, first of all, on himself. The inextricable link between dance styles was formed and boundaries were pushed. It was undeniable, the exuberance yet powerful technique he had behind his works embodied his belief that the collaboration of styles worked. In 1995, ‘Loose in Flight’ was debuted and the imminent feedback was praise as he first divulged in “loosening the bolts”7 of Kathak’s rules that was transmitted by the fluidity of contemporary. Mesmerised by what had been produced, critics roared the upmost praise for this new found fusion, such as: “tension exploding into ... liquid eloquence ... balanced by ... cool aplomb”8

6 Harriet Macauley, Thursday 4th May 2017, Interview conducted with (contemporary dancer previously worked with Khan) 7 ibid 8 Hale, Oct 2002, Akram Khan, QEH, www.ballet.co.uk

and “he is extraordinarily present in performance ...his ... arms define distances like Blake’s drawing of God measuring the universe”9.

Not only did Khan allow dance, as an art form, a new means of expression but also through the microcosm of his movement he allowed the audience the macrocosm of rich Bangladeshi heritage. It should be dually noted that throughout Khan’s career, and still today, he never focuses on the same element of Kathak yet continues to broaden his own horizons on the interlocking of the styles; hence why his work still remains so significantly current. Many of his first solo work and group pieces show development of not only stylistic features, but also Khan becoming more aware of recognizing the significance behind the dexterity of each movement.

‘Loose in Flight’ gained a Jerwood Choreography Award that allowed him the opportunity to create ‘Fix’. Here he first experimented with external components to complement his movement- the lighting design by Michael Hulls that opened an entirely new pathway to take his art.

Collaboration

As Khan’s career progressed he used this tool of fusion and applied it to other aspects of theatre that allowed new levels of sophistication to his work that can be most notably distinguished within his work ‘Zero Degrees’ (2005). Not only did he collaborate with unexpected dance partner Sidi Larbi Cherkaoui, who both distinctly juxtapose with their approach to dance, but also he took this opportunity to experiment with sculptor Antony Gormley.

‘For me the point of a collaboration is that every participant should be taken to a place where they couldn't have gone on their own. If my ideas end up having been integrated into the dance that will be great. I will have gone the furthest distance of all from what anyone expected.’10

The beauty behind a work such as ‘Zero Degrees’ is that no element of the piece comfortably coincided, however the contrast that Khan created was a beautiful new way in that 21st Century could perceive both traditional and modern dance. From an

9 Parry, May 6, 2001, First Class Air Male, The Observer 10 Antony Gormley by Judith Mackrel, July 2005, Opposites Attract, The Guardian

outside perspective, he is not just advocate for modern dance but also community cohesion. He choreographed traditional Kathak movement upon Cherkaoui, completely out of his normal repertoire thus suggesting of cohesion between cultures once more. What is more, this all the while experimenting with a dummy cast of himself to tell a story of what it is like to be someone from duel-heritage displaying how art itself can be integrated into one another; mesmerizing madness. The innovative nature behind Khan is that he always remains true to his roots, while all the more finding beautiful new ways to present it to an audience.

Conclusion

Akram Khan is a catalyst in contemporary dance as he did not just allow the fusion of two styles to come together, but his influence on the industry allowed dancers to realize their unique differences is what should be used to their advantage. Khan on stage has a distinct quality that has been developed through his own life experiences, hence making him like no other. What is more, Khan does not just have the courage to show his unique choreographic style, but also to place it on himself in which is an extremely bold step for not any choreographer, but as a dancer as well; he encourages a regimented industry to take risks. Thus far, the risks have been extremely successful and through his influence, the industry should be so lucky to see someone as influential again.

0 notes

repwinpril9y0a1 · 8 years ago

Text

Wrongfully Incarcerated Artist Finished Grad School Wearing An Orange Jumpsuit

In 2012, artist Sherrill Roland received a call from a detective with a warrant for his arrest. Roland was an art student at the time, preparing to begin graduate school at The University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Roland, who claimed he had not committed any crime, was in utter disbelief.

He showed up for his trial in October 2013, five days after turning 29. Roland was accused of four misdemeanors and was found guilty on all counts. A D.C. judge sentenced him to 13 months in prison. (In an interview with HuffPost, he declined to give further information about the charges, saying he was not permitted to discuss the details.)

Roland spent just over 10 months in the Central Detention Facility, a space described by lawyers as a “human-rights disaster.” A 2015 report prepared by the Washington Lawyer’s Rights Committee for Civil Rights and Urban affairs described the prison’s condition as “alarming,” citing potentially dangerous structural problems like pests, mold and crumbling walls.

The account concluded that the “appalling conditions of confinement in D.C. prison facilities, especially in light of their disproportionate impact on African-Americans, are a key criminal justice and civil rights issue in Washington, DC.” Black men, including Roland, make up approximately half of the incarcerated population.

Roland was freed from prison in August 2014. One year later, however, new evidence emerged that ultimately proved his innocence. The judge who’d overseen his trial two years earlier threw out the convictions, and all records of his arrest and prosecution, at Roland’s request, were sealed. It was as if his entire incarceration had ever happened ― to everyone except Roland himself and the people that loved him.

Despite the fact that Roland’s wrongful conviction was expunged from his record, the experience left him shattered and confused. He wondered, “If I’m not the same person I was, who am I now? Who is the new me?” Ultimately, he decided to address this seemingly irresolvable question, of how to return back to art school after incarceration, through art.

In an ongoing social justice performance piece titled “The Jumpsuit Project,” Roland wears an orange jumpsuit to spark conversations about incarceration and its impact on individuals, families and communities. He started wearing the suit after returning to UNCG in 2016. Unsure of how to re-enter the academic safe space after serving prison time, he opted to wear his experience and his trauma on his sleeve.

It’s jarring to see a man in a orange jumpsuit roaming public spaces. Roland told HuffPost that confused bystanders occasionally asked him where his guard was. This level of discord is heightened on college campuses, known for their insularity. The same goes for the art institutions where Roland occasionally performs. When he enters a museum, he explained, “the vibe changes instantly.” The suit manipulates the space in which it exists, making room for new, often intimate, interactions between virtual strangers. Strangers approach Roland to discuss his experiences and share their own, chipping away at the estrangement that incarceration can bring out.

Roland graduated from UNCG last week with a Master’s degree, and he wore his jumpsuit to receive his diploma. This month, the artist will spend three days in front of the Brooklyn Public Library, performing “The Jumpsuit Project” for participants and passersby.

Read on for an interview with Roland about the origins of the piece:

How would you describe your art before you were incarcerated?

I had a design background. I was focused on making objects with my hands and also liked the quickness of sketching things out with digital software. When I was going into my grad school program in 2012, I was making work based off narratives from my home in Asheville, stories from my mother’s generation.

In 2012 you were issued a warrant for your arrest. What was your life in general like before this moment?

Going into grad school I was very focused. I thought I had everything figured out. I was going to get this MFA and go teach at a collegiate level. I planned to work on my own art during the summertime. I thought I had my path all laid out.

What was it like to receive a call from a detective requesting you turn yourself in?

I remember being at home ― it was the week before I was going to move to Greensboro. I was in my mother’s room, but she was away at the time, maybe at work or something. When I got the call I was completely shocked. It was crazy being alone and not being able to reach out to my mother when it happened.

What were your expectations after your court hearing? Do you remember how it felt when you were found guilty?

I had entirely expected to not be found guilty. I didn’t get any of my things in order to prepare me to go to jail. It was inconceivable. I couldn’t imagine it. I didn’t know how to plan for it. I didn’t know how it would go.

During the trial, everyone was trying to stay positive. I’ve never felt so blank-headed. I had no idea what was going on. I was so scared. It was hard to think about what could be taken away from me — everything I had accomplished, my family, my friends. Every day something new popped into my head, something I would potentially be giving up. I tried not to think about stuff like that.

During your time in jail, did you make art?

I came up with ideas for art projects I could do while I was in there, but my perspective on art shifted a bit. I lost the taste for making things for myself. I just couldn’t do it for some reason. I drew for other inmates ― portraits of their families that they could send as gifts. It’s hard to put a value on how much those cards meant to the people receiving them. We on the inside did not have anything to give. It is really powerful creating something for someone’s significant other or child, helping them get a gift from someone who can’t obtain one any other way. I was willing to make things as long as they meant something. They had a different type of value and weight.

Did you have any other outlets to communicate or express what you were going through?

Writing was my therapeutic release. My letters going out were the only things that were not looked at. Letters coming in were opened and read, our phone and video calls were recorded. I would write at least five pages for each letter. A lot of time I was on lockdown, so I couldn’t have phone conversations. I would end up just writing and writing. I had no indication I was going to get my freedom back. I was facing the fact that I had to deal with this wrongful conviction.

Were there other habits or tactics you developed in jail to make your time there more tolerable?

I tried to stay connected. The Washington Post circulated inside there. Somebody would find it and pass it around. I was the only one who looked at the Art and Style sections. I found ways like that, to get what I wanted. For example, most people hated vegetables but loved cake, but I hated the cake, so I traded for vegetables. I was always trying to trying to figure out ways I could succeed, ways to stay connected to who I was before I came in.

Tell me about when you first began thinking about “The Jumpsuit Project.”

After my conviction was overturned, I just sat at home for a very long time. I spent a long time waiting to see what I was going to do with my life. How am I going to accept this experience? I figured out how much it would cost to go around the world on a small budget. I dreamt of getting away. I had a very strong reaction against sitting still. I had been restricted in so many ways. I just wanted nobody to tell me what to do. I brought that idea and another idea to a professor of mine. The other idea, which was kind of unformed at the time, was “The Jumpsuit Project.”

What did the idea look like in its early stages?

It came to me in a dream. It was more of a question than an idea. I’m used to thinking as a designer, so when I see a project, I see an end product. But here, for the first time, there was no answer. It was uncharted territory for sure.

Sheryl Oring was my teacher at the time. I remember going to her house being like ― What would it be like if I wore an orange jumpsuit on campus? I was contemplating ― If I’m not the same person I was, who am I now? Who is the new me? I used to think I had a certain safety on campus. I was naive. I see the world totally different now. Who am I on this campus? I felt like I carried the burden of my experience anyway. What if I just wore an orange jumpsuit?

I had trouble figuring out how to explain it, but right away she said: “That’s it. You should definitely do that.” Immediately I tried to take it back. Sometimes you get an idea and you worry it might be too much for you. You’re not sure if you can handle it. I think the first thing I said was, “Well, I have to talk to my mother first.”

What was it like re-entering your college campus wearing an orange jumpsuit?

The very first day my teacher Sheryl walked with me to the library. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done. I thought, I am about to step out there into this world and tell people I just went to jail. I had received my bill of innocence in 2015 and started the project in 2016, so it was all very fresh.

I remember this guy coming out of the library, checking me out, and literally walking around me. It didn’t even phase him. I have had all kinds of reactions ― people bolt the other way, people side step, give me space. Sometimes I’ve frightened people.

Do you follow specific guidelines while wearing the suit?

There are restrictions while in my suit. I treat the academic institution like a correctional institution, so I’m not allowed to stop outside and talk. I can only go to point A and B, one classroom to the next. If you want to talk to me you have to escort me; we can’t stop and chat. But once I’m in the library or in an enclosed space, I am free to talk. Whenever that happened, people started to gather around. Mostly, as quick as I can, I tell my story. I get a lot more hugs and support than negative looks. But it happens. There are some people sneaking by me and taking pictures, people laughing. Some people clearly have no idea know what I’m doing.

As far as the conversations go, are there certain ideas or talking points that come up again and again?

A lot of people come up and say, “My brother is going through the same thing,” or someone else in their lives. I had family members who had been locked up before, but they didn’t want to talk about it. And when I talk about my experience with my friends and family, they can’t totally get it because they weren’t there. Then I start think, Am I alone? But once I started talking, I met people who had so much to share. It opened up a whole other support system. People were willing to share so much, in fact they needed to share it, they just didn’t think they’d have an opportunity to, to talk to someone that got it.

What misconceptions did you have about incarceration before experiencing what it was like yourself?

When I went in, I was trying to separate myself. “I’m not supposed to be in here, I am innocent, I am not supposed to be with these other guys.” I ended up realizing that I was no different than anyone. They dehumanize you in there. No one has a name. Me saying I’m innocent — well, a lot of people think they’re innocent. The correctional officers didn’t have time to hear any of that.

I remember this old geezer in there, he got sentenced 20 to life for murder. He came to jail temporarily for a parole hearing and they housed him in with us. He said, “I know you say you’re innocent, but there has to be a reason why you are here. Open your eyes and see what’s here.” At first I was like, “What? That makes no sense!” But I started to take in all the people here. Everybody was going through the same things. Everyone was trying to deal with having their friends and families taken away. We were each other’s only support system.

I had this idea of what the word criminal meant. But when I was listening to this guy, who was in for murder, it was a big perspective change. Everyone in there is a human being. People have made mistakes and learned from them. When you have nothing, you need each other. One day, after I’d been wearing the same clothes for two months, some of the guys collectively got me fresh T-shirts and underwear and socks. Once I saw what goes on in jail, how we were treated, I will never forget. We need to have more conversations about it. I don’t believe anybody has to go through what I went through to get this perspective. I got my innocence restored. A lot of people don’t get that opportunity.

This weekend you will perform at the Brooklyn Public Library. Do you expect the performance to differ from the UNCG performance in any specific way?

I’ll alter the performance to fit a public setting. Every place has its own culture, so in a way, it’s up to the community that comes through the library. It can go a number of ways. I just hope it goes safely. I’m interested to hear the stories. It’s not always about jail itself, but about overcoming things. Sometimes it’s just about getting through a struggle.

How long do you plan to continue this project? Do you envision it changing shape in the future?

I want to take a break from the performance part and make tangible objects to go along with the performance. I have other things I want to get out. I don’t want to drop the opportunity for conversation the jumpsuit has provided. It offers a network for people to come together. I’m going to continue working on it, making it more of an entity as opposed to thinking about just me in a suit. A place where I can start organizing things. An opportunity to share.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Roland will perform “The Jumpsuit Project” from Tuesday, May 23, until Thursday, May 25, at Brooklyn Public Library’s Central Branch. Follow the project on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Welcome to Battleground, where art and activism meet.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from DIYS http://ift.tt/2russx0

#DIYS

0 notes

exfrenchdorsl4p0a1 · 8 years ago

Text

Wrongfully Incarcerated Artist Finished Grad School Wearing An Orange Jumpsuit

Read on for an interview with Roland about the origins of the piece:

How would you describe your art before you were incarcerated?

In 2012 you were issued a warrant for your arrest. What was your life in general like before this moment?

What was it like to receive a call from a detective requesting you turn yourself in?

What were your expectations after your court hearing? Do you remember how it felt when you were found guilty?

During your time in jail, did you make art?

Did you have any other outlets to communicate or express what you were going through?

Were there other habits or tactics you developed in jail to make your time there more tolerable?

Tell me about when you first began thinking about “The Jumpsuit Project.”

What did the idea look like in its early stages?

What was it like re-entering your college campus wearing an orange jumpsuit?

Do you follow specific guidelines while wearing the suit?

As far as the conversations go, are there certain ideas or talking points that come up again and again?

What misconceptions did you have about incarceration before experiencing what it was like yourself?

This weekend you will perform at the Brooklyn Public Library. Do you expect the performance to differ from the UNCG performance in any specific way?

How long do you plan to continue this project? Do you envision it changing shape in the future?

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Roland will perform “The Jumpsuit Project” from Tuesday, May 23, until Thursday, May 25, at Brooklyn Public Library’s Central Branch. Follow the project on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Welcome to Battleground, where art and activism meet.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from DIYS http://ift.tt/2russx0

#DIYS

0 notes